Inquirer Columnist The whole process is a sham.
There are Third World despots who hold “free elections” with just one name on the ballot who wouldn’t try to pass the MLB system off as legitimate. But that’s OK. We all know what the deal is. Our eyes are open. That’s why, to get what we want, we have to play the game. We have to cheat. Alas, qualifications matter less than they should when it comes to the All-Star Game. That’s why we must resort to subterfuge. It’s never too soon to start manipulating the process. (Somewhere, a 10-year-old wannabe David Axelrod/Karl Rove is hatching a plot to rig the 2048 presidential election.) The all-star polls don’t close until 11:59 p.m. on July 2. Between now and then, I urge you to vote for Ibanez while you’re at Citizens Bank Park or by visiting MLB.com. On the Internet, you’re allowed to vote up to 25 times. You should do so. And you should encourage your friends to do so. Then you and your friends should create phony e-mail addresses and use different computers and vote another 25 times. Keep repeating this process. If you think Bud Selig’s security minions have gotten wise, flee to a safe house. Change cabs multiple times. Leave nothing to chance.
Stuffing the ballot box is only one part of the plan. We must also execute a propaganda campaign against Ibanez’s opponents. When I was in Texas, an old political operative told me a legendary story about Lyndon B. Johnson. Maybe it was true. Maybe not.